Then write about it.
I can’t.
You have to try.
I just can’t.
You can’t suppress the memories forever Kaitlyn, not if you want to move forward.
I feel the sweat trickle down the back of my neck as I hear Dr Rawthorne’s voice echo inside my head. I’d spent so many darkened hours sitting in his office, hearing his voice plead reason to me out of the shadows. Now even in the confines of my own bedroom his affirmations still haunted me.
The rain dripped down the window as darkness crept into my room. Dust had settled on the keys of the typewriter, a significant reminder of all the things I could no longer do. I longed to touch them, just to see if they still felt how I remembered. The keys would be cold under my skin as my fingertips slid effortlessly into the concave of the letters.
A memory from a time when life was easier, when I didn’t feel like the world had caved in on me. Back when not every tiny, insignificant moment reminded me of her.
Moonlight peeked into the room like a friendly smile through hostile darkness. I didn’t need a psychologist to explain to me why I never slept. I knew why.
I couldn’t forget about her but it hurt too much to remember. Every time I closed my eyes…
Her hair was like autumn, a crisp red that glowed orange under the wintry sunlight. It hung down in messy, un-brushed waves like a stream of ribbons. She laughed and her startling green eyes creased up, dimples dented her porcelain skin.
"Come on" she whispered with her mischievous smile. Before I could speak she turned and sprinted off down the cobbled street, all I could see was a mass of golden hair billowing out behind her like a cape of crimson.
"Hurry up" she screamed back to me, my scrawny legs struggling to keep on her tail as I felt my school shoes slipping over smooth cobbles. Her laugh erupted onto the crisp air as she spread out her arms soaring faster and faster.
Somewhere in the distance church bells rang out signalling we were late. But there was still an orange glow in the sky that reassured me I wouldn’t get into too much trouble.
The cobbles disappeared under a blanket of red, brown and orange. The leaves crunched beneath our feet as we sped up towards the top of the hill. They flittered around us like splashes of water. We laughed, swiping the crispy fragments into each other’s faces, showering ourselves in a bath of gold.
She reached the top before me, breathless and smiling. Her cheeks flushed with red but her eyes still sparkled green. She took my hand in hers, her skin cold and clammy as we stood at the top and looked out.
Below us stood acres of outstretched forest, the smell of bonfires lingered on the air mixed with the spice of pinecones. Out of that forest poured years of memories and adventures; climbing trees and falling out of them, ripped tights, grazed knees and angry parents.
Running over that hill was like stepping through the wardrobe and into our very own Narnia. Every year when the leaves would fall and crisp to brown, that’s when we would know it was time to come back.
"Ready?" she asked, looking straight out ahead.
"Ready" I said, butterflies lining my stomach.
“GO" she bellowed.
Hand in hand we allowed our feet to stumble down the hill, too fast to have any control as our hair intertwined behind us. I felt breathless as the wind hit my face; greens, reds, browns flashing past me as we streamed down into the heart of the forest.
The arches of wiry trees blocked out the sunlight as we sped into our darkened magical land, branches tangled in my hair but I kept running, all the while I could feel her hand in mine pulling me on.
Something sharp scraped my cheek but I didn’t care because always in this moment I was convinced I would never again feel this alive. The blood rushing through my veins felt alight with energy, like it was dancing and somersaulting it’s way through my body.
We laughed and screamed as we jumped, dived and soared our way through the jumble of trees until the darkness began to give way to a stream of light over a towering oak tree.
She let go of my hand as we panted our way to the centre mark. I let myself collapse against the tree, the exhilaration of it all numbing the throbbing stitch in my side. We caught each other’s eyes and both burst into fits of giggles, delirious with adrenaline.
I watched her grab a handful of berries from a nearby bush, throwing a load my way. The blackcurrent burst inside my mouth, erupting a sweet jam with a sour aftertaste. She sat down next to me as we watched the leaves fall from the fading sky.
As the sun vanished I knew I would have to go but it was the only place I ever wanted to be. I turned to her and saw her sparkling green eyes glistening back at me. She nodded, her smile full of understanding.
"I know" she whispered.
"I miss you" I said into the darkness, and with those words a pain so heavy and consuming erupted in my chest and tears spiked my eyes as I watched her autumn hair disappear into the shadows, her voice still lingering on the air.
"I’m right here" she whispered.
My eyes opened to the darkness of the room and saw the typewriter sat in a moonlit glow. For a split second I thought I could still smell the bonfires, taste the berries.
Had it really been 8 years? And yet it felt like she was still alive. I saw her every time the green leaves burnt to orange, when the trees shed their coats, when the air went crisp and the bonfires blazed red.
I saw her as I stood staring into the mirror; my eyes a duller green, my hair a paler red. I smile back at my reflection and see her flicker there for just a moment.
Because I would carry her forever, that girl with autumn’s hair.
My sister who waited for me, on the hill that showered gold.
And that is what I wrote.
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We've loved seeing the enthusiasm of both creatives and photographers to our Pictures That Tell A Thousand Words series and we can't wait to share more with you in the coming weeks. If this whet your whistle, you can read more from Lauren here and swim through Helena's beautiful photography here.
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